Just when I thought things were going great (just passed 13 year mile marker in relationship, grad school right around the corner and never more in love); my world came to a halt and came crumbling down. I found myself back to the same path I know too well, but dreaded my life alone. My worst nightmare is happening right in front of my very eyes.

I had just lost my lover and my best friend. Someone I thought I could trust and would be there forever. The past 13 years have been anything but easy; nonetheless I persisted, fought and did not give up on them, on us. I thought I've finally found someone I could trust with my secrets. Someone I could open up and talk about the mundane and important things in life- my day, my dreams, my struggles, my fears. Someone I could bare my heart and soul to and still love me for who I am. Someone who would be there until my last breath. As cliche' as it sounds "my soul mate".

There isn't one word to describe how I feel right now. I am crushed, stupefied, and infuriated. I feel scared, alone, betrayed and yes, disappointed. I am full of questions to which I know I will have no answers. Why is love so cruel?  Why us?  What could we have done different? And a thousand other questions I ask my self everyday.

Everything I took for granted is a struggle right now. Sleep is a stranger to me now. Eating is an effort (often one I will not make). It even hurts to breathe. One moment I have it together and the very next moment I am an emotional wreck. Clarity comes and goes like the tide theses days. I can understand why people jump off cliffs, turn to drugs or end up in padded rooms.

After all the prayers, the waiting, the pleading to try again- I am still here alone. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I could have said or done something different. All that doesn't matter because I wasn't given the chance. For some, when its over its over and I could not do or say anything to change their mind. I officially raise my white flag.

Forget her. How can I? Her voice woke me in the morning, carried me through a difficult day and put me to sleep at night. Her promises gave me hope. Her love gave me strength. Everywhere I go slide shows of us  play in my mind. There is the gym, the bike trail, and of course those romantic movies and daunting love songs.

I will never be the same again. In this short time, I have grown critical, skeptical, and protective. I don't know that I have it in me to love that way again. Hell, I don't know that I ever want to take that chance or trust anyone ever again ( could be just the pain talking). What I do know is that I will not feel this way forever.

I know there are no shortcuts to recovery, to healing, and finally moving on. Soon I will forgive and then I will let go. I read some where that in each life falls a little rain ( feels more like a hurricane). Maybe we need the rain to appreciate when the sun shines. When these dark clouds pass, I will bathe in the warmth and light of love again. But for now... let me lament.